A Relationship Quiz by Dr. Pepper Schwartz

How does your relationship do under stress? Do you pull together--or apart?

Sometimes the only way you know what a relationship is made of is when circumstances make it hard for you-or your partner- to be your "best self". Let's take a look at a few conditions and see how you have behaved, or might behave, when you are really pressed hard. I can give you a score on how well you do--and you can see what might be a better way to handle certain stress factors.

Question One

You have been watching the news and it is extremely depressing. You:

a. Don't say anything to each other

b. Get into a fight over each of your interpretations of events

c. Cuddle and talk about it and feel better afterwards.

Question Two

You have been watching news of a tragedy; your partner indicates he would like to make love. You:

a. Give him a look that tells him you think he is utterly inappropriate

b. Cuddle but don't make any move to make love

c. Talk about what you are both feeling- then decide if you want to make love or not.

Question Three

Your partner comes home and slams the door. He's obviously had a bad day. You:

a. Glare at him and/or avoid him

b. Get angry and tell him not to take this out on you. You ask him what is going on!

c. You don't get mad; you ask him if he wants to talk about it.

Question Four

Your partner was supposed to be some place he is not. You:

a. Immediately get upset and worried and imagine he is hurt or with another woman or something like that.

b. Immediately get upset and worried but don't jump to extreme explanations. You start trying to track him down.

c. You figure there is some non traumatic reason and wait (for a reasonable amount of time) for him to call.

Question Five

You realize that you owe more on your taxes than you have. When the two of you talk about it.

a. One of you blames the other (or both of you blame each other)

b. One or the other of you suggests major life style overhauls.

c. You take the time to figure out how you got there and what it will take to correct it in the future.

Question Six

You have a friend who is extremely ill, perhaps dying. You:

a. Don't share it with your partner. It is your friend, your grief. He probably wouldn't understand anyhow.

b. You mention it abruptly and hit him with the full force of your sadness

c. Ideally, you have let him in on this sad fact of your life from the beginning so he knows what it means to you and how your friend is doing. But if it is sudden news, then you ask for his comfort and tell him what he needs to do to help you handle this.

Question Seven

Your child has been arrested for shop lifting. You:

a. deal with it yourself ; you are embarrassed and don't want your partner to know

b. You deal with it yourself because you know your partner will over or under react.

c. Regardless of how your partner will react, you know that this has to figured out together and the two of you have to reach a joint response for your child.

Question Eight

When the relationship itself feels rocky. You:

a. Say all the awful things on your mind

b. Don't get abusive but tell him you think the relationship isn't going to make it.

c. Tell him you are in for the duration, but these problems need to be fixed.

Question Nine

When you feel he has really done something really wrong to you. You:

a. Yell or nastily tell him everything you think of him, without any holding back

b. Yell or are nasty but pull hold back the worst things you can think of.

c. Tell him why you are angry; describe the problems of the specific act, and request counseling if you think it's beyond the two of you finding a solution.

Question Ten

If you thought he had been unfaithful to you. You:

a. Tell him you were leaving, pure and simple.

b. Find out what had happened and then decide if you were going to leave.

c. Find out what had happened and try to find out what went wrong-You would, if you could, hold your marriage together.

If you have 0 to 7 points you have definitely not found a way, as a couple, to meet stress constructively. You act first, angrily, impulsively--or you block out issues and let them molder. You need to get more couple skills or one of these times of stress will undermine your relationship entirely. Perhaps it already has. If so, go see a counselor and see what can be reconstructed with the help of a third party.

8 to l6 points. You are doing some communication, pulling some of your punches, and try not to be malicious most of the time; but still, the two of you don't seem to have enough skills to handle really rough stuff. Look at the questions you answered a or b on and see why you should handle them another way.

17 point to 23 points. You do well together, you talk and negotiate and pull as a team under most crisis situations. But there are still a few exceptions that can hurt you. Look at those questions and think about what you could do differently. Even one area of panic or punishment under highly stressful conditions could be very hurtful to the relationship.

24 points to 30. I think you do as well as human beings ought to be expected to do! After all we all lose it occasionally when we are scared or stressed. But the two of you have figured out how to help each other and comfort each other--and solve problems. It looks really good from here.

Explanations of individual questions

Question One

Watching the news these days is incredibly upsetting to a lot of people. People can have much different ways of handling it-and so they really need to communicate to each other what they need. Just "stonewalling it" shuts your partner out; arguing over interpretations of events is fine, but if that doesn't get to the elemental issues that are bothering you (personal or family safety, the fragility of future plans, worries about the state of the nation, etc) the real worries you have don't get handled and you the stress keeps building up. Couples have to learn to find out what really is on each other's minds-and how it is affecting them. Cuddling (for reassurance) and talking calmly (to really tease feelings and issues apart) is what most couples need,

Question Two

Some partners use sex to self sooth; to make the world all right again. Other partners cannot even think of sex when things are going wrong. There is no right or wrong way to handle this kind of stress- except that no person's style should be disrespected or misunderstood. If you know your partner would feel better making love don't give him a look that makes him feel like a creep and don't just cuddle and pretend you don't know he wants to make love. This is another situation where the two of you have to talk about why one of you would like to make love and why the other doesn't --and under what circumstances you will be able to be sexually there for each other. Leaving meaning ambiguous only makes at least one partner feel deprived and perhaps both partners stressed.

Question Three

Sometimes a partner is a bad actor. Things have gone badly at work. He comes home and shows how ticked off he is and it is an affront to the household--after all, you did nothing to cause this. It's easy to get angry at his moodiness. It's fair to be unhappy that his first moment home is a display of anger. But this is exactly where a calm and caring approach really can dissipate the stress. If you can be non reactive to his stress, knowing that it really doesn't have anything to do with you, then the subsequent conversation is not going to escalate the angry feelings he came home with. You will be able to make a storm into a minimal dark cloud and you will feel good about your self control and the wisdom and perspective you can give him. Once he calms down, he's going to be very appreciative too.

Question Four

There are many times in a relationship where someone is not where they are supposed to be. Your relationship will be full of stress if you imagine the worst every time he isn't on schedule or in place. But even if you don't imagine the worse, you can create more, not less stress, if you immediately start trying to know where he is and how he is doing. You need to not stress more than you need to and usually, within an hour or two, most of these mysteries are cleared up. The best response is to give each other a little leash, a lot of trust and the respect for your partner's abilities to have a good reason for their change of plans. Sure, something bad could have happened, but as they say, bad news travels fast enough. Most of the time nothing is wrong. Save your emergency reactions for true emergencies and the level of stress for you, and your household, will go way down.

Question Five

Money worries are hard on relationships. It's easy to get so scared that you start blaming each other or leap to extreme responses like selling the house and moving to a small apartment in Tijuana. Better way: remember that no matter what, the two of you are in this together and you are not the first people that ever spend more than they should. You could start talking rationally about how to get some loans, or loan advice or set up a series of meetings with people who you think can help you figure this out. Later you can also discuss how you got to this point and what steps you can both take so that it won't happen again. The important thing is not to blame each other or fall apart. If you take it on together and do what you have to do as a couple, your relationship will be stronger later. As you know, sometimes a great relationship is not about the happy times, but the times when you needed each other and you were there for each other.

Question Six

Holding sadness inside is alienating -for both members of the couple. People need to be needed--and they want to know what is making their partner unhappy, otherwise, at the very least, they may worry it is something they have done. It is easy to strike out at others if you are sad, and withholding your feelings by itself can be a punishing act. Letting all your feelings explode isn't bad; but that can be overwhelming, and your partner may not feel up to handling it. Many men feel at a loss, not knowing what you need and what the you want done to make you feel better. The best way to handle this kind of stress, is to share it, from the beginning and be specific about how you would like your partner to react and support you. If you do this, the stress is definitely reduced.

Question Seven

When there is a crisis over children a lot of moms shield their spouse or partner from what is going on. They are either worried that their partner will think less of the child or that they cannot come up with a joint disciplinary and/or counseling program. If this is the case, it isn't usually just the response for one situation; it becomes a way of life and the partner gets shut out of what is really happening. This puts all the stress on you-and cuts you off from your partner's advice and support. It is also not a great way to resolve a parenting disagreement. Hiding information from the other parent may help create an emotional gulf between partners and make it less and less likely that co-parenting can go on. You also add the stress of hiding something to the stress you are already feeling worrying about your child's actions and future.

Question Eight

The worst stressor is pulling the "I'm leaving you" card when a fight gets going or a big disagreement in process. Next worse is giving the impression that all is hopeless, even if leaving isn't imminent. The way a couple who wants to make it reduces stress, even under a lot of pressure, is to make the commitment to do everything in both of their power to solve problems. Couples who can go even farther-that however bad the fight- it is always done in the context of working it out rather than leaving, will be able to have some pretty rough sessions--and still have only a moderate amount of stress. If you handle the stress about worrying whether or not the relationship can withstand a bad fight by saying at the outset that divorce or separation is not on the table, you are definitely reducing anxiety and angst in your relationship.

Question Nine

Really tough times in the relationship can pull you apart--or pull you closer--it all depends. If you unload and say anything you feel like it's going to be destructive (see the quiz on "Do you fight fair"? On the other hand, if you hold back the information your partner needs to know what is really making you mad, sad, and or crazy, there is no way of solving things and becoming closer. That's why the only really good answer is c- where you make it clear what the problem is and you go get help if you cannot manage honesty without nastiness when it's one on one. You need a situation where all the truths that need to be said are told-- but not in a destructive fashion. Having a third party is often necessary to get the issues out, but in a way where each person understands the other's point of view, why they are hurt or angry, and what it is doing to the relationship. Then there is the possibility of change. Being able to accomplish change makes a relationship feel strong but it is only possible when insults and pain haven't made true reconciliation impossible. Being wronged is stressful but the antidote isn't self expression: it is the ability to change as individuals and as a couple.

Question Ten

Some people think that the biggest stressor a couple could experience would be an extra marital affair. No one wants to think about it or believe it could happen, but if it did, would there be a way to handle it that would leave open the possibility for the relationship to deserve survival. Obviously, if the only reaction that seems possible is immediately leaving (or making him leave) then this is one stressor that will be terminal rather than a possibility for correction and healing. Listening to the facts is a first step towards seeing if something is temporarily rather than terminally wrong in the relationship and if trust and love could be restored. Many couples think they could never get over a breach of trust and fidelity, but in fact, many do. The issue is not just that vows and promises were breached, but why and would it happen again. If there is enough going for the relationship, and the aggrieved person is strong enough to get through this period, it really is possible that the relationship would be stronger and more intimate than before. Someone who would give it that chance might live to be thankful that she gave the relationship another chance even though the emotional cost and stress of that would be enormous.

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