First Fights

By: Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.

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Product pricing and earnings updated May 9, 2007

No matter if you are seriously dating, engaged, or married, everyone has a time in their relationship when they get into a serious disagreement and lose it.

They say things they would rather not have said. Or they don't say things they should have said and steam about it for a long time--maybe even months or years. Such fights are inevitable and necessary. People do have differences of opinion and they need to get them out in the open. The issue is not how a fight begins or even what the fight is about. The real core issue of importance is the conclusion. If your conclusion is more anger and a feeling of depression about the relationship, you are fighting wrong. How do I know?

Because if you fight right, the feeling at the end of the session should be a feeling of teamwork, even if you did not come to an agreement or a complete resolution of your differences of opinion.

What is a better guide? Each treat the other as part of a team and the problem as the enemy, not each other. You have a problem to defeat and defeating it together is what you are supposed to do. This method will not undermine each other's ability to be a problem solver.

What this means:

1. No personal criticism. Hate the problem; don't insult your partner. For example, don't say "you are stupid" to your partner. Say, "I don't think that solution will work" instead and offer another solution for consideration.
2. No defensiveness. When your partner tells you something is wrong, think it over before responding. Puzzle over it and determine what merit there is in it. Don't say- "well, you do that too!" or something equally defensive.
3. No disrespect. Don't roll your eyes. Don't show contempt. Don't infuriate your partner by showing that you think he or she is an idiot.
4. No refusal to talk. If you are too angry or upset to talk at that time, perhaps you may say "I need to wait until I am not so angry to discuss this right now" but you cannot refuse to deal with the issue. That is very destructive. You will never function like a team that way.

Like these ideas? Many of them come from a book by John Gottman- you can see his books at Barnes & Noble.com. Be sure to shop through uTANGO to earn your Points. You can also check out a book I have written titled Love Between Equals- also on Barnes & Noble.com for more support on keeping teamwork in your relationship.

Earnings opportunities mentioned in this article include:

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About uTANGO

uTANGO is a new kind of reward program specifically for singles, engaged couples, and newlyweds (married less than 3 years). The program is FREE and allows you to earn Points toward Annual Cash Rewards up to $800 and Life-Stage Cash Rewards up to $1 million for your future.* It's easy - just enroll, then make all of your online purchases through any of nearly 300 uTANGO merchants and watch the Points add up!

To accelerate your Point earnings, get the uTANGO LifeStage Rewards VISA® Credit Card! Card holders will earn an extra two (2) Points per dollar spent online or offline at over 300 program merchants and one (1) Point per dollar spent anywhere Visa is accepted.

Receive 10,000 Bonus Points…and a $10 Gift Card from one of these merchants; Home Depot, Target or Starbucks when you spend $100 with your uTANGO Visa card! Click here to apply for the uTANGO LifeStage Rewards Visa Card