Q&A with Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Q. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. He was laid off a few months ago and he hasn't found another job. Since he lost his job, things have changed drastically in the romance department. We're lucky if we make love once a week, and then the passion just isn't there. He used to be very passionate and giving in the bedroom, but that has changed. I thought it might have something to do with me (maybe he didn't find me attractive any more, etc.) but he says that isn't the case. We've talked about it, but with no results. I try to be as understanding as possible, and help him to relax, but nothing is working and we haven't even made it through the first year.
A. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is depressed. Many, maybe even most men, have trouble feeling good about themselves if they aren't being self supporting. Our culture has drummed it into men's heads that a man has to be a good provider and that if he isn’t, he isn't much of a man.
As a result, men's egos suffer if they are unemployed or underemployed. Their whole approach to life may take a nose dive and that includes their sexual drive and enthusiasm. Passion thrives in a positive psychological environment, and if someone is depressed, passion either disappears or only appears rarely.
There are two approaches you can take until he gets a job and that solves his self-image problem. First, you can encourage him to see a doctor or counselor, and ask that person about anti-depressants. A mood moderator might give him the pick up he needs to face job interviews (and endure job turn downs) until something works out. (If he does go on an anti-depressant, tell him to ask about Wellbutrin as opposed to Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac or other seratonin uptake inhibitors. Seratonin uptake inhibitors reduce sexual interest and can make erections and/or orgasm more difficult. Wellbutrin, an anti-anxiety drug, doesn't seem to impede sexual functioning).
If that seems too drastic, the second approach might be to try to distract him. Take him away from the neighborhood, from reminders of the job world, and spend some of your time going to parks or beaches or other places where nature and beauty reign and make the work world seem less consequential. Or, another way to reframe his attitude might be to do something for others and draw pride from charitable work and generous use of your time. For example, both of you could do some volunteer work on a weekend with sick children, or in a hospice, or someplace where he can realize how fortunate his life with you really is and that he can be a good person helping others; he doesn't have to judge himself only by a job!
It is highly likely that he will find a job eventually. And I would bet that your sex life will perk up as soon as he does. In the meantime, help him get through this period as best you can. You're not responsible for cheering him up; ultimately it's up to him to embrace life and love and passion again. But maybe hanging in there a little longer will be just that extra support he needs to be the guy he used to be.
Q. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and I still adore her! I find her very attractive and I'm always "pawing at her" as she likes to say. My question is: lately, she has been very non-participatory during sex. She's never been really active, but lately she just lays there! I've tried to talk to her about it, but she won’t reveal anything. I've tried to be romantic and take a long time to warm her up, but I still get the same results. Any suggestions on getting her to come alive?
A. It's really hard to give you good advice-there are so many reasons why she might be non participatory! Tell you what- I'll give you a check list of possibilities.. See which ones seem likely to you-- and follow the advice that comes with it!
First Possibility--She's Bored Motionless
She knows exactly what you are going to do and when you are going to do it. She just lies down and waits for everything to happen in order--she doesn't try anymore because she already knows everything that is going to happen and the sequence it’s going to happen in. If this is the problem, then you've got to wake her up with new ideas: come home with handcuffs, porno movies, body paints or a costume – think about what would turn her on. Even if she laughs at it, it will shake up a hum drum sex life. It should make her want to get more involved and may open her up to discuss the issue.
Second Possibility--Her body has changed and old warm ups no longer work
As women age, their bodies sometimes need new approaches. For example, she may no longer lubricate as well and may need artificial lubricant to help make intercourse feel good (or to stop it from tearing tender tissue). Blood may no longer flow into the pubic area as easily as it used to, so even prolonged foreplay may not be enough. This might be a time to try stimulation with a vibrator which helps blood flow into the vaginal area and turn on nerve endings. If neither of these are an issue, you might even suggest politely she see her doctor and see if her hormone production could be suppressing her interest. A good endocrinologist could find out if her estrogen or testosterone were low.
Third Possibility--She's Unhappy or Unhappy with You
If someone is unhappy, sex seems like too much work. And if they are unhappy with the relationship, they want distance, not connection. And one way to achieve distance is to be there only in body, not in spirit. You ought to be able to know if she's unhappy in general--she should be somewhat listless about her work, her day, her life, etc. If she's upbeat, then it's not about general depression--but that doesn't mean she isn't upset or dismayed about the relationship. You will need to ask her to be honest about whether or not things are going well between you. You can't make any changes if you don't know what the problem is. Tell her she owes you that--because she does.
Any (or even all) of these might have something to do with her sexual passivity. Almost all of it is fixable, if your wife wants to work on this issue with you. If she won't try to make things better, unfortunately, that tells you that there is probably a relationship problem. But hopefully, she will want to please you and work with you to help revive your mutual sex life to a level that is exciting and satisfying for both of you. A healthy sex life is an important part of a healthy marriage.
Q. My boyfriend always thinks that I am cheating on him. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, but he dated a girl in the past for almost three years and she cheated on him--so he thinks every girl is the same. What should I do?
A. My instinct is to tell you to get a new boyfriend. Men who are jealous without reason, who keep referring to past emotional injuries instead of focusing on the present, are high maintenance at best, dangerous at worst and may not be worth the effort. This kind of guy is going to need reassurance all the time, and if he's really paranoid, he could get vicious, accusatory, and even start checking up on your every move. I don't care what his ex-girlfriend did to him: it's no excuse for him to distrust every other woman in the world--especially you! Every normal guy knows that all girls are NOT the same, and the past is NOT the present. You should find it truly insulting for him to think that a past girlfriend's acts predicts your acts and your honesty. You don't look at him and expect him to be the same as unworthy men in your past!
So let’s think about this. Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn't see who you are and judge you only by your own acts? If he is prone to lump all women into the same category, then he doesn't like women or understand how different each individual is. In either case, his attitude indicates to me that he is someone who is angry, fearful and judgmental. Good relationships require trust, belief in each other's honor and love, and a presumption of good will and honesty. If the presumption is negative (i.e. "she’ll cheat if she gets the chance") he will be suspicious all the time; do you really want to live with that? You will have a jailer and opponent instead of a lover and a friend.
If you think he has so many good points that you just aren't ready to leave over this, then the only other piece of advice I would give you is to enter counseling with him (or make him agree to get individual counseling). He has to get over his lack of trust and paranoia or he will never be a safe and loving partner. If he can learn to get rid of his anger and understand that what happened to him with his ex girlfriend was an unfortunate issue in that relationship-and not in this one - then, you can think about going forward with him. But if he can't shake his fears, and trust your love, then he is damaged goods and you need to sever the relationship.
If you have a question you would like answered, email Dr. Schwartz.
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