Are You Really Ready for a Relationship?

By: Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.

Shop with merchants featured in this article »
Product pricing and earnings updated May 9, 2007

Take Pepper's quiz and find out!

By: Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.

Thinking it may be time to look for someone significant in your life? After taking Pepper's quiz, consider online dating services. Many online dating websites boast of their effectiveness in bringing like minded people together for serious, committed relationships and even marriage. Check out our online dating options from PerfectMatch and so you can earn Points while you look for true love!

All of us get lonely sometimes. Most of us crave someone who not only relieves that loneliness, but also makes us feel worthy, loved, and admired. However, just because we want company, affection and even love-does that mean we are ready for a relationship? Sometimes we mistake need for emotional capability and readiness to commit. If we make that mistake and take on a relationship before we are ready, we can do a lot of damage, not just to the other person, but even to ourselves. Granted, it's harder being dumped or betrayed than to be the person who is leaving or telling someone goodbye- but neither situation is a whole lot of fun. Given then , that most of us want to be honorable people who live up to our intentions, it's always right to check and see if we are truly ready to give someone our heart and plan a life together. Here are a few questions to help you take a hard look at yourself to determine if you are really ready to be someone's partner.

Dr. Pepper's Relationship Ready Quiz

Answer true or false to the following:

Question 1- When I meet a new person who is attractive to me, I consciously compare them to the person I am seeing to see if I have made the wrong choice.

Question 2- When I am traveling or at a party with other people, I admit it- I scan the room I'm in and see if there is anyone attractive I'd like to talk to.

Question 3- When I have a disagreement with the person I am with, we are always able to talk it through to a mutual agreement.

Question 4- I know how to apologize effectively and I am ready, willing and able to do it.

Question 5- I am ready to compromise how I live for someone else. I don't expect them to do all the compromising on major issues.

Question 6- When I am in love with someone I am almost never jealous or possessive.

Question 7- I am easily able to tell someone I am in love with about my finances and share my values about spending money, saving it, or sharing it.

Question 8- I believe it's important to get along with the parents and friends of someone I love. I am willing to spend time with my partner's family on important holidays.

Question 9- I can talk pretty easily about sex with the person I am in love with. I can tell my partner what I want and I try to respond to their preferences.

Question 10- I keep up my share of the bargain in terms of planning things to do, doing errands, or, cleaning up, or having friends over to dinner.

Question 11- If my partner mentions something he or she would like me to change, I am usually not defensive.

Question 12- I am willing to work on certain aspects of my personality or appearance for the person I love.

Scoring:

Give yourself one point for every true answer

If you have:

9- 12 points You are ready! You approach and discuss most tough subjects and you are ready to grow and change as an individual. You know what it takes to create a committed long term relationship and marriage.

6- 9 points. You are on your way. You have a lot of what it takes to create a relationship-but there are some areas that you need to work on before committing to a lifetime relationship with anyone. See the explanations below and see why the questions you answered "false" are areas of concern.

5 points or less You got problems! You may be in love and you might have a great deal to offer someone, but unless you can turn more of these answers into "true" responses, you may not have the foundation and skills to keep a relationship solid and strong. Read the explanations of the answer for some insight and goals.

Explanations

Question 1- When I meet a new person who is attractive to me, I consciously compare them to the person I am seeing to see if I have made the wrong choice.

When you are in love and secure in your choice, you no longer compare your partner to other possibilities. You know there good points and bad points and you believe the balance is good. You are not still shopping around for a "better deal".

Question 2- When I am traveling or at a party with other people, I admit it- I scan the room I'm in and see if there is anyone attractive I'd like to talk to. You may not see "window shopping "as a problem. After all, what's wrong with looking? But the fact that you are still scoping out rooms means you are not really committed to the one you are with. You are still looking for some excitement, perhaps some flattering response to you and it leaves you open for some adventure or new attraction. That's fine if you are a single person but if you are in a relationship, it means you are allowing some romantic or sexual attractions to surface. Sure, it may be fun, but sad to say, it usually means you are not really ready to focus on just one person.

Question 3- When I have a disagreement with the person I am with, we are always able to talk it through to a mutual agreement. If you can't resolve conflicts well with someone, you are not really in a relationship. Relationships require the ability to work through differences in how you see the world, how you deal with emotional difficulties between you, and how you resolve a difference in plans or objectives. You are really not equipped to be in a real relationship unless you have found the way to solve issues constructively and to each person's satisfaction.

Question 4- I know how to apologize effectively and I am ready, willing and able to do it. Good relationships require the ability to say you are sorry- and feel good about it. You have to be able to apologize so that your partner believes you really do regret your actions or what you said. To be in a long term relationship, both sides need the ability to apologize, the capacity to graciously accept an apology, and the ability to move on and not get fixated on a past incident.

Question 5- I am ready to compromise how I live for someone else. I don't expect them to do all the compromising on major issues. Even soul mates will have differences about what they want to do, where they want to live, or who they want to have in their closest social circle. You need to be able to compromise without anger or regret. No relationship can last without the ability to give and take on differences. The general rule is being able to listen to each other and to let each partner get their way some of the time or come to a mutually reasonable compromise. In other words, pick your battles carefully and don't expect to win each one.

Question 6- When I am in love with someone I am almost never jealous or possessive. Secure and loving partners are almost never jealous or territorial. If you worry about your partner when they are out of your sight or can't stand it when they are with friends or having lunch with someone attractive, then you are too insecure to have a relationship. You need to be able to trust to make a relationship work.

Question 7- I am easily able to tell someone I am in love with about my finances and share my values about spending money, saving it, or sharing it. Partners are partners in everything and most of all, on financial matters. Running a long term relationship is not all romance, sex, and fun. Relationships require a mutual financial plan and the ability to carry through what each of you has agreed to do. Relationships need guidelines on spending and saving that have to be observed so that excessive debt doesn't accumulate. You need to be open about your economic values and talk about your finances and expectations about money in the relationship.

Question 8- I believe it's important to get along with the parents and friends of someone I love. I am willing to spend time with my partner's family on important holidays. Romantic partners and spouses inherit one another's family and friends. They come with the package. If you can't accept them and help support your partner's need for their company and family responsibilities, there will be conflict and disappointment because of the lack of support. Any significant relationship with one person opens you up to a relationship with all the people who are important to them.

Question 9- I can talk pretty easily about sex with the person I am in love with. I can tell my partner what I want and I try to respond to their preferences. Sexual compatibility doesn't happen just because you love someone. Partners in a long term relationship have to be able to talk about their preferences and any past problems that might affect their relationship and sexual satisfaction. If you can't talk about it, it might not be fulfilling to one or both of you. If you can't confide and mutually trust each other with this information, you aren't ready for a relationship.

Question 10- I keep up my share of the bargain in terms of planning things to do, doing errands, or, cleaning up, or having friends over to dinner. Relationships always have chores, obligations, and responsibilities. If you can't divide them fairly and help each other out, there will be plenty of resentment. Even if you have a division of duties that you agree on, there will always be times when one person needs help with their usual assignments. Being ready for a relationship includes being ready to help each other out without keeping score.

Question 11- If my partner mentions something he or she would like me to change, I am usually not defensive. Sometimes your partner will like something more than you do- or hate something that you don't. They might be fanatical about sports, boating, or something else you have no experience with and aren't keen to start. But having a relationship means honoring things your partner wants. If you want to be in a relationship, you have to learn to do some things that your partner wants that you would not have ordinarily taken on from time to time. It might mean being more adventurous, more of a homebody, or some other modification to your normal lifestyle. Being able to change for your partner is a necessity in most long term relationships. Being defensive doesn't help anything; either. Considering change before objecting or refusing is important.

Question 12- I am willing to work on certain aspects of my personality or appearance for the person I love. We all can feel a bit threatened if our partner criticizes something about how we look or how we act. But a certain amount of modification may be necessary when you go from single status to a couple. How you dress, behave around business associates or friends, keeping fit and attractive- all of these may be things your partner would like for you to address over time. No one should ever have to completely change for anyone-- but if you can't imagine making a few adjustments, you probably aren't ready for a relationship.

Earnings opportunities mentioned in this article include:

Perfectmatch.com: Earn 4,000 Points per subscription

About uTANGO

uTANGO is a new kind of reward program specifically for singles, engaged couples, and newlyweds (married less than 3 years). The program is FREE and allows you to earn Points toward Annual Cash Rewards up to $800 and Life-Stage Cash Rewards up to $1 Million for your future.* It's easy - just enroll, then make all of your online purchases through any of nearly 300 uTANGO merchants and watch the Points add up!

To accelerate your Point earnings, get the uTANGO LifeStage Rewards VISA® Credit Card! Card holders will earn an extra two (2) Points per dollar spent online or offline at over 300 program merchants and one (1) Point per dollar spent anywhere Visa is accepted.

Receive 10,000 Bonus Points…and a $10 Gift Card from one of these merchants; Home Depot, Target or Starbucks when you spend $100 with your uTANGO Visa card! Click here to apply for the uTANGO LifeStage Rewards Visa Card

About uTANGO

uTANGO is a new kind of reward program specifically for singles, engaged couples, and newlyweds (married less than 3 years). The program is FREE and allows you to earn Points toward Annual Cash Rewards up to $800 and Life-Stage Cash Rewards up to $1 million for your future.* It's easy - just enroll, then make all of your online purchases through any of nearly 300 uTANGO merchants and watch the Points add up!